My first few days of the farm were filled with stress. Stress in my own internal reality of comprehending and understanding the decisions I made to get here. So much of my struggle in 2016 was waiting and preparing and doing whatever it took to get here, and now I made it. I am here. I am aware in Hana, Maui. But here I am now, my first week completed, and continuing to push and pull between simply just flowing and mindfully staying present within each moment. Letting go, being happy in time and space, and "being here now" are ideations I am working towards fluidly radiating. Every morning I wake up, prepare for the work day, and make sure I give thanks. I say thanks to the land, to the farm where I am living, to the people around me, and to myself for simply just being here. I remind myself of how lucky I am to be breathing the air around me, to be able to absorb the jungle around me, and to be a healthy being in this moment. Not many get the opportunity that I am volunteering my time and energy for, and oddly enough, I don't mind not being compensated for my work because this experience means so much to my spirit I wouldn't trade it for a blue collar paycheck just yet.
My father aggressively warned me and harassed me about the decision to come out here and farm before I left. He told me that I was making a mistake ignoring the educational path I had followed and deciding to choose an opposite direction for my near future without any recognition of the career path I was working towards. That the experience I wanted was reckless and I did not have his permission to do so. (*we currently are not speaking because of my decision making*) That attack and the stress of not being in a successful career right after completing my masters degree have been haunting me this week and instilling great senses of fear into my being while juggling the work on the farm. Am I reckless? Am I setting myself up for failure? Am I missing out on a prime time of my "career life"? I have felt lost my entire life and it has followed me here to Hana. I allowed myself to doubt the journey I am embarking on and everyday I have been battling staying positive and believing in myself. I was reflecting today while drinking a cup of coffee at Hana Fresh, an organic food stand a half mile down the road, that I haven't ever believed in myself- I am what has always been holding me back from evolving. This problem in my own nature is now one of the main goals I am going to try and work towards overcoming as my experience unfolds.
My mindset has been focusing on staying positive, staying focused, and appreciating what I am doing this week. As I reflect everyday I find myself reminding myself why I chose the decisions I made and appreciating the geographical location I have placed myself in. Almost everyone asked me back in Cleveland, "Why Maui?" - which was extremely annoying because I was tired of constantly being questioned about my decisions - and I almost always answered, "Because its paradise." Not everyone is going to be supportive in the decisions I make or be able to understand who I am, and I am well aware of that. I chose to liberate myself from what once was because I was not happy within my Self. I was not evolving like I had wanted to because I was stuck in my own misery that was tied to a time and place. I was living my life in my own samsara. I was in my own rabbit hole and I was too familiar with my current environment to allow myself to pull myself out of my own depression even with the knowledge of how to move on. I knew that in order for my own being to understand change, and grasp the reigns, I needed to change in multiple dimensions. My reality needed to change, my environment, my surroundings, and my direction. It was going to be the only way to pull myself out of what was engulfing me. And I liberated myself by doing so.
I made my own decisions, listened to my own heart, and created a path for myself that has lead me to where I am right now. I am free in some sense. What that means, being free, is now something I am seeking an answer for in order to put the feeling into words and manifest it. It is another goal of mine to grasp as well as understanding what it means to be liberated in Self. I have been acknowledging the power in that wave of knowledge this week and am slowly starting to believe in the belief of my Self - a work in progress. I am aware that it takes time. The evolution of a being is not one transformation that happens overnight. I have really had to meditate on my own movements, repeatedly, but I am working it out. Happiness does not have one solid definition that clearly defines or dictates an absolute resolution. I have come to realize that I am happy in this moment that is unfolding. Many many many thanks for the path that I have taken to get to where I am right now writing this. I can feel myself expanding and growing and that transition is so exciting to awaken to because my reflecting is exponentially producing reward.
But to explain my rational of "paradise"... No I'm not ignorant to the reality of what Maui actually represents. But for me, I chose this designation in pursuit of finding my spiritual Self within the Jungle. It was the natural world that Maui holds on its land that beckoned me. The plants, the greenery, the colors and textures, the wild species of organisms, the climate, the weather, the beaches... It was so appetizing and has always been planted in my being as the next place I needed to go. And so I followed my intuition and here I am. To be really real with you, maybe I wasn't cognoscent of what working on a farm and living on a farm was going to be like but I needed to experience it. It is hard work. A lot of sweat and strength and muscle use. It is not easy, and it should not be taken as a joke. I have been awakened to the reality of living off of the land, of working with the soil, of pushing myself beyond what I thought I could endure in manual labor. I am a work in progress in stepping outside of my comfort zone and pushing through work that I do not necessarily want to do. Every shift is a mental preparation of moving beyond what I thought I might be capable of achieving and placing myself into orbits of integrity, endurance, and excellence. It does require effort to be here. It requires positivity and patience. It takes grit and charisma. I am doing my best to thoroughly open myself up to this experience and allow it to heal me. Life will always be a rollercoaster ride of highs and lows... I've already had both here in my first week on the farm. But I am optimistic that in a month's time I will get the swing of things and have a stronger mindset than what I have right now which will keep me truckin' and traveling and finding out what it is that I long for. I love you : Abby
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